I remember things were so glorious in its fine horror. There were so many chaotic moments in my child history but I know for sure I could remember being such a bright light and joyous little boy. I remember just loving everything and smiling and being so damn happy just to see people that I saw already. I admit, I come from that type of family but even I was way happier than them. I come from a long line of abuse and violence in the home. I never really reacted to things the way I did when I would start to realize the treatment of others. At first like for instance in a playground there was times where I would ignore it and just play. I found that there were certain kids that were fun to communicate with. I would talk about so many things and they would ask me questions and then it all turned around. I used to talk about science and religion and it got me to the point where none of the kids were allowed to talk to me or be around me. I remember even teachers snickering at me or throwing pot shot comments and I felt the energy. I also remember watching children get to do things and receive treats or small gifts and I would be left out. One time the principle of my school sent me to the ESL english as a second language class just because I was the only dark skinned child in my class yet, my grade point average excelled far beyond the 2nd graders and I was in the 1st grade. I saw my friend Eno who was in the other 1st grade class. I believe my school had to grade classes per level. There was just way too many kids. I remember Enos and I would almost some times ask to go to the bathroom at the same time and we would roam the halls and just have fun until we would get caught. Enos was my almost best friend. He was cool and not a baby. He was mature for a 1st grader like me and I was cool with that. So later that year I also noticed that two things happened to Enos and I. He got really sick and died and I come to begin to have outbursts and couldn’t understand why I was always in trouble. I never really looked at what happened to me until now.
Racism is a piece of shyt, I tell you what! I don’t get how you would find jewels and crush them or pour acid on them. It’s not like I was the smartest kid in the school but we were the most interesting and most shining in our ways. I used to get made fun of and told I was a beaner sometimes by the other kids. I thought it was funny how later people would never even come close to knowing I was mixed. People thought I was Islander of some sort or Asian, not that there is anything wrong with that. I don’t care anymore about it, I just want to destroy the bullshyt that came to it in this day and age after all these years being born and living in this dreadful country you call America.
From the age of 3 – 10 I was beaten and abused by my sitter which was one of the family members. I would fall and bleed is what was told to my guardian when they asked why I was crying and scared and the excuse that was given was because I made myself that way due to my guilt of anything they could make up that day. Today, I hear my abuser is homeless. I don’t know if that is true and I don’t care. I’m not a christian any more but I just let shyt go for my better health. Today, I don’t even have the respect of the piece of garbage people in my family who think nothing of me and have even tried to get me killed. I don’t care anymore. I had cried earlier and said that I missed my family and friends but what I miss was an image of what I always wished for.
My teen years were so weird. So many kids in the hood had a hard time with my accent. So many kids would call me Oreo or “white boy” and I just couldn’t take the meanness anymore and instead of stabbing the shyt out of them and going to juvie, I would just leave and not hang out anymore. I started getting into alternative sports like bike racing and skateboarding. I met so many new kids and began to have friends that were more of a european descent. I began to share my ideas of spirituality and science. I noticed that my friends were interested in what I had to say and were also able to share their own views on things in this life like science and religion. I come to know so many cultures and so many other people that let me know that the things that were happening in America were no wheres near my fault. I remember my day had mentioned once the cia, coney island, the russian and chinese mob and many people we knew. So funny how my abuser introduced me to eschatology but didn’t care the effects it would have on a 3 or 4 year old but I just was always waiting for chaos to come and take us or just destroy everything. I started to realize I had so many talents from music to alternative sports and other interests. Even though I had all these talents, none of them would fix the retardedness of the people in my life, my town, my school, my family and all around me all the time.
I had grew up seeing all the horrors of life on one city block and thought to myself that it was just normal. I’m a very strong individual and I also see that because of what I went through and it empowering my being and character that even when I try to act nice and cool with people, people either still get scared and shy away or ruin it for themselves by showing their bullshyt because they were never filled with depth. So, with the natural sensing and clairvoyance, I saw people’s lies and couldn’t understand why I knew the truth. I would tell people when they were lying as a kid and it would freak everyone out.
When I became an adult, all I really wanted or thought I wanted was to feel tranquility and have a family. Be married, have kids and a cool job. To live in a house and do all that I needed. When I started trying to get that, it felt like at every instance or turn in life as a young adult, like as if I was being sabotaged from some remote control in the sky. I didn’t even think about the ant-gov shyt my dad would talk about. I just felt that way. I would get a job and do good but then either my life would go in a way that I had to change it or I would be told that I wasn’t doing a good job and get fired. My dad always got mad at me because he couldn’t understand why these things would happen to me. I never fought back or try to find my accuser or liar or any jealous white asshole trying to get me fired from my jobs. There are a lot of people that make excuses in this life but I assure you, I was totally regular in my effort but my talent is what made me in my jobs. It was my brain that got me to fill the atmosphere with my energy and conquer these jobs. I eventually became an iron worker but for some crazy reason people sabotaged that. Today, I can’t see people sabotaging me. I feel it worse with jealous hackers, jealous witchy or magick people. I can’t even floss without having all these haters but that’s how it is I guess. I feel like a newbie from a third world country that was never allowed to watch tv or the news or play music or do any educational things. I feel like a person like this to come into this country and getting taken advantage of all the time.
I am no longer in the mind set of being afraid of what is coming next. After all my life and facing extremely unfair dealings with my career and schooling and all kinds of shyt, I just don’t fucking care anymore. Not like the “I don’t care anymore” who is going to buy a bag of dope and shoot it up and kill myself. NO, certainly am not feeling sorry for myself but for others. I know it’s only a matter of time before I finally get the great things in this life that I deserve and feel that it was stolen from me since I was a baby.
I don’t hate my family but I just don’t see how they would even understand or care anymore. I know one day my family is going to come to me for help and I will still help them because my heart is nothing like these white racist misogynistic crackers that I just want to put three in their throat and call it a fucking day, no never! I am humble, sweet and full of light and love. I’m electric and I came Cali to show people that and I see the one’s trying to pull the carpet from under me. I some black candles for you and your family 😉
Today, I am a great science person with all I do. Not saying this for pats on the back but I am standing here with a sign waiting to help people. One day, I will be able to help people better in feeding and clothe those that can’t afford it and not just free psychic readings or healings. One day the government will ask me for help. I would really like to help prisoners learn esoteric science and help them find themselves and push that so they can be placed and live in society like a normal human being without being racially targeted by this government and/or rich racist pedophiles.
I’m here in Southern California and I’m ready for whatever! I have a wonderful mind set with new skills and a new way to live. I’m not the happiest person due to my situation but I’m so blessed to have a love and friends that are always willing to extend their hand. I know that never lasts but I’m thankful for how so many people have helped me here in Cali. I hope to one day repay them all.